“Can You Tell Me What You Meant By That?”: A Small Question With Big Impact
Effective leadership is often framed in terms of strategy, vision, and execution. Yet one of the most underestimated competencies is the ability to address harmful language the moment it occurs.
A single question captures that competency with remarkable precision: “Can you tell me what you meant by that?”
At first glance, it appears disarmingly simple. In practice, it is transformative.
I learned this the hard way.
Early in my career, a senior team member made a remark that reduced an entire group of people to a stereotype. My response was not elegant. I was young, angry, and caught off guard. Instead of curiosity, my words carried emotion.
But I was proud that I spoke up.
Looking back, I know that a calmer approach would have been more effective. The question “Can you tell me what you meant by that?” would have placed responsibility on the speaker and created space for reflection. Navigating the workplace as a woman, and particularly as a Black woman, taught me a different path. Learning to cope with difficult moments, to choose assertiveness over frustration, helped me command respect. More importantly, it helped others become aware.
The Cost of Silence
Workplaces across the globe continue to struggle with slurs, stereotypes, and casual remarks that diminish colleagues and clients. These moments rarely escalate into formal conflict. More often, they pass quietly, protected by nervous laughter and collective silence. Silence, however, has a cost: it preserves comfort for the speaker while transferring discomfort to those affected.
The Power of the Question
The power of this question lies precisely in its restraint. Rather than accusing, it invites explanation. Instead of escalating, it creates a pause. It asks the speaker to step out of autopilot and reflect on intention and impact. That brief moment of discomfort opens the door to awareness.
Awareness is where cultural change begins.
This is not a competency that organizations can simply provide through formal training programs. No workshop can anticipate every real-life situation. What makes the difference is individual awareness and assertiveness, the willingness of someone in the room to seek clarification when language crosses a line. Handled in the moment, this approach is far more effective than gossip after the event, where frustration circulates but learning does not.
The Impact Over Time
Over time, I learned that using this question shifts conversations in three important ways:
Clarifies boundaries
Redistributes responsibility
Encourages more thoughtful communication
People become conscious of the effect their words have on others.
This is not merely a technique for difficult dialogues; it is a daily practice of inclusive leadership.
A small question can make a huge difference.
References / Suggested Reading
Derald Wing Sue et al. (2007). Racial Microaggressions in Everyday Life. American Psychologist.
Dolly Chugh (2018). The Person You Mean to Be: How Good People Fight Bias. Harper Business.
Kenji Yoshino (2006). Covering: The Hidden Assault on Our Civil Rights. Random House.
Amy Edmondson (2019). The Fearless Organization. Harvard Business Review Press.
Ashleigh Shelby Rosette & Tracy L. Dumas (2007). The Hair Dilemma: Conform to Mainstream Expectations or Emphasize Racial Identity. Academy of Management Journal.
